All my life, I kept asking for approval. How do I look? How do you like my bike? What do you think of my grades?
I was a child actor, having acted in many plays, tv serials and 2 films that were never that famous. But the acting happened to me at 5. I was too small to realize and at that time I did not, that all I was doing was asking for approval, applause and judgements. When in a more mature state, which I think I entered a bit earlier than usual, it was a way of life.
Here I was – a confident, bold, out spoken fellow. Speak only the truth and speak a lot. That was my mission – to make everyone aware of the reality, my reality, as I think of it now, cause there is really no “truth.” No black or white, just plain gray. Everything’s gray.
But there was a side of me which was diffident, confused, unsure of everything. My career, my academic choices. All were based on hearing a few people and jumping head long thinking it was my passion! It wasn’t mine it was theirs. They saw me as an actor, a performer, a film editor or a marketing guy. And I was left just that – a performer. He performs for whom? An audience.
What is a performer without an audience? Whom will he appeal to? Who will pat his back? Who will give a feedback, a criticism?
I kept living as if I am performing on stage. Living a loud life, everyone should know what I am thinking and should also react. I called it honesty, a virtue, I thought.
It took me 25 years, a quarter of my life, if I live a hundred, to realize that the audience was façade, it was a mirage. And what it meant really that I was a mask, a plain mask, a different mask each day, playing to the gallery, the empty gallery. In my self righteous behaviour I believed I was the victim. A victim of this bad world, the cunning wolf, the scheming witch! It took me long to accept that I was a rip off, of a person I interact with. I imitate him / her. Just to get that single nod of approval. I was literally begging for my existence which was but an expression or a little smile of the other.
I don’t know what has changed, is it the age, the wisdom or enlightenment? Suddenly, I was detached, like a bonded labourer set free. Un-believing at first, circumspect. Would I be able to pull it off? Could I stand by my self?
I am alone but not lonely. I am as lonely as I can be in a crowd, full of people who are just like me, struggling for approval. I thank my life, which has been my guru. She gave me the experience I hated her for, but soon was full of gratitude for it. The one lesson that she was teaching me was being comfortable with myself, with my solitude.
Can’t even say with my solitude ‘cause it means company of some thing. I am the solitude, I am the emptiness, I am the vacuum. Fill it with anything it always sucks it in, like a black hole. It doesn’t accept any gift, any offering, any help, any emotion, any shame, any guilt, any remorse, any applause, any approval. It is what it is by NOT being.
I am soaking in the solitude. I am enjoying myself. I am ecstatic but how does one show the ecstasy when no ones around to see it. But once I am here, I really don’t care. I don’t care if anyone reads this.
Posting it here some how says that all the words above are empty. It’s a vacuum, stay away or get sucked in!!
