Our little Cupid is very busy these days. Usually I have noticed that December is a busy month, followed by February - you can guess why! But December is really special, the weather, the not-at-all cold for others but oh-so-cold for Mumbaikars, temperature does bring out the Cupid, shooting his Love-arrows all round.
So as is my style I went to interview him, on a cold December morning (Delhites say - "ha ha ha"). We met on the steps of Temple of Venus. Got to say, looks more like the rocks at Bandstand, than a temple but there we were. I got funny looks from some of the couples canoodling on the rocky terrain, which felt like a water bed to them I am sure. Well love is blind and also cushions the derriere, I must say. Obviously they were intrigued why I was there with a half naked small man with wings!! Well, to clear all doubts I walked a good five feet away from him. (Having heard some hair raising experiences in mental trauma especially to hostel guys after seeing Brokeback Mountain, which gives a whole new meaning to Male Bonding)

He was dressed in his customary, small, revealing white fluffy pants, and pink all over with small white wings, very inadequate to lift his fat podgy body with a beer belly - which by the way he calls love-potion belly! I was as always in my best pink suit. With a small device in hand (well it was my new cell ...just to clear any suspicions.), I walked to some-what smoother rock and decided the setting could not be better for a tete-a-tete with the puny "setting expert" himself!

What follows are excerpts from my interview with him.
(Disclaimer: Certain portions may be distorted, imagined or manipulated to make me look like a proud, intelligent bunny which is my mask for the audience i.e. everyone else!!)

Bugs: Well then lets start before this gets embarrassing. From when did you start this alleged activity of bringing people closer, which by the way our local trains are doing since 1853?

Cupid: As far as I can remember I am doing this thing for a few hundred centuries now! At least thats what I have put on my resume. Can back check that far?? (with a light sweat on his brow!)

Bugs: Of course my sources go way back...but I shall refrain from any such abominableactivity. So sticking to the point, why did you choose this profession, I mean, you could have easily afforded your beer and cheese by doing those Johnsons' Baby or Ponds commercials!!

Cupid (a bit perturbed): Excuse me!! I do not need to expose my buttocks to earn a living ok! By the blessing of Venus, I do quite well selling my love-potions and I also have a side contract with a greeting card company..psst...please do not sena I mean, say this to anyone, cos last time they managed to grab my designer dhoti (by Rohit Bal of course) but just-in-time came the...no ...not the Japanese...the Women Against Child Abuse (WACA) and they whacked the hell out of the hooligans thinking I was a child. Well at least the looks helped somehwhere!

To answer your question I shall say that Goddess Venus herself came in my dreams and said I have to do a 5 min presentation on this topic " Porter's 5 Forces Model of 3rd Party induced Love." At the time I cursed, but realizing that I would not clear my archery course without her grace...and I mean grace marks...hahaha..you know I had to.. (laughs till pink turns to magenta..personally mine are better but I joined in cos had to humour him, pun intended.)

On doing the research I found out that Love can be induced between 2 souls by a 3rd party using 5 forces - humour, caring, friendship, optimism and chemistry. In order to serve humanity I made it my life's work!

Bugs (lost at 5 min something but with an incredible look as if seeing Mallika in full clothes): Wow! So can you elaborate on this. (Usually jounalists do this when they haven't a clue as to what the respondent just said cos they are listening to the sounds in their ear-piece saying - "Ask him this after 5 mins....go to camera 2...pan across the slum...ok..ok...break...break ...commercial" etc..heard this from a TV News reporter friend!)

Cupid (proud at the fact that his research made me curious): See, always I act through agents. I do not and can not afford to reach such a wide audience by myself. So what these agents do, is use these 5 forces to bring 2 common friends together.
Humour: Use of humour soothes the nerves of the boy and girl.
Caring: If he/she doesnt care for both, he/she can not give a neutral judgement as to whether they should continue or drift apart for their own good.
Friendship: Ideally friendship with both is an ideal environment, but some agents have gone really out on a limb and cheek to get the girl who doesnt know him to like his friend.
Optimism: This is an eternal force multiplier as Zeus says which keeps the yield curve always sloping upwards showing some progress.
Chemistry: This is when the agent acts as a catalyst to hasten the process because of a villian entering the scene.

Bugs: OK cool.For me this is fine, but can you give an example so that the lay man can understand this thing? (Read the disclaimer...)

Cupid: Theres this unusual case (well all cases are unusual), the agent is a quirky, mad, fellow but somehow fulfills the 5 forces conditions to become an agent.The boy is a well mannered, sober(when not drunk!) fellow with a stiff upper lip like the snooty British.The girl is again a whacky female with mood swings greater than deliveries of Irfan Pathan or Waqar.

Due to complexity of the characters' personal anomalies, the case has been escalated to me. The girl is intelligent, self-aware but a bit selfish. Not entirely in a bad sense but shes too proud to even let close ones know her sorrow. Independent, smart and has piercing eyes!The boy is handsome, well brought up, but a bit given to romantic delusions. Also described to be a bit too proud by some section of society. The process was started by him.The Agent is as mentioned earlier mad, quirky, thinks he can help people but ends up speaking the truth and antagonising a many. Some surveys described him to be a loner, reserved and focussed where as others described him to be fun-loving, friendly, outgoing and confused person. That speaks for his schizo...well...multi-faceted personality.

The situation is that though the agent wants them together because they make a good pair, he's somewhat more concerned about the boy as the girl seems a fortress. Also the agent often has issues with the girl and vice versa thus violating the friendship condition. To be fair the girl can get a bit irritating at times. The boy meanwhile thinks everything is under control according to a strategy on the battlefield but is as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

Lets see how this turns out! Even I can not intervene in free will, you know. Can just keep aiming my arrows at their hearts or bottoms as the case may be and leave it to free will.

Bugs (now snoring...zzzzzzz...wakes up thinking of his carrots): Excellent! With this I take your leave, thank you for your time (and the lullaby), do keep me posted of this particular case.

With that I begin to walk back as the Cupid hovers precariously on the tiny wings in mid-air trying to aim at a couple far away. Half way towards the road, I suddenly felt a short metal prick on my butts. For a minute felt a tingling sensation and then the feeling vanished. Right then, bang in front, I saw the fat Opera singer I always run away from. Before I could realise what was about to happen, a thought came to my mind!!

Did the damned Cupid clear his archery course?